I Should be Dead and Thinking that is Not Overly Dramatic

In short, I skid on ice and went down into a ravine Monday night while on the way to work. I started writing this yesterday and just finished it this morning. So, here it is, my narative about that time I drove off a cliff...

Last night, just before 10 pm as I was driving into work, I hit a patch of ice while driving down the winding hill that I take to get into East Peoria and my car went into a skid. My car was traveling on a country road heading west. I steered out of the skid but immediately hit another which sent my car sliding sideways down the hill. I steered into that skid to try to straighten it out and turned my car about 100 degrees, at which point my car was in the "eastbound" side of the road and my front tires went off the road, which were followed by my rear left tire. My car dropped about 10 feet straight down and then the front tires hit ground and I drove through two small trees, knocking them down and going over them.

Somehow in all of this, I kept my car upright but I couldn't stop. I bounced off 3 trees - hit the first one on the drivers side of the car, and that took off my side view mirror. I drove around another tree to keep from hitting it head on and the left side of my car grazed another tree. Finally, I went against another tree on the driver's side and it broke out the window behind me and ripped off more of the front of my car and side molding. I never hit anything head on, so my airbag didn't deploy. When I came to a stop, it was dark except for the light from my car's head and taillights. I couldn't open my door all the way and I could smell hot engine components. I shut off the engine and forced my door open, sliding between my door and a tree and began to run up the hill. I made it about 70 feet up the way when I stop, realizing the car wasn't going to explode or catch on fire or anything like that, so I pulled my work phone out of my pocket and called 911 to report my location to the best of my ability.

While talking to the dispatcher, I tried to continue climbing up to the road, but I reached the vertical drop and told them I'd call back when I reached the road. I had wiped out most of the plants and trees and anything else that worked for grabbing onto, but as luck would have it, the thorn bushes remained fully attached to the ground, so I used them. Since it was about 15 degrees out when all of this happened my hands were pretty cold and it was hard to feel a lot - this was a good thing because it helped me keep from feeling the thorns pressing into the palms of my hands. The terrain was also slick and uneven and it was nearly pitch-black so I kept slipping and falling back down into the ravine. Each time this happened for some reason my shirt would go up with it and the broken limbs and thorns put deep scratches into my stomach.

I finally made it up to the road and just as I pulled myself up a car went by and then stopped and came back - the lady inside let me sit in her car to warm up as I called back to emergency services and gave them more information. I was told that a snow plow would have to be sent so the police could reach me so that would take a bit longer. I decided, knowing I was able to climb out of the ravine once, to return to secure the car the best I could and get insurance papers.

Of course, it was much easier to get down than up...I got what I needed and stuffed it all into my lunch bag, which I'd toss up the hill, climb to, pick up and toss again...managing to skillfully do this without spilling the contents. I continued this process until I saw the police arrive, but they couldn't see me from the road, so I'm yelling trying to get their attention so they can find me. While I was back down in the car I thought to turn on the hazard flashers - I would like to think this helped because the police did locate me and tossed me a nylon strap, which helped greatly in getting the rest of the way out of the ravine. I was ushered into one of the police cars (and I knew that I wasn't injured too badly because I referred to the back seat as 'the perp seat') and driven back to my parents' house. I called ahead because I didn't want one of them to see the police car sitting in the driveway in the middle of the night (because we usually know what that means)...also needed the door opened for me because for some reason I just couldn't remember that I had my house keys zipped into my coat pocket.

Mom keeps checking on me to double check that I'm all right. Dad has been really cool about everything, going with me to get my car pulled out of the ravine and working with the police and body shop and insurance people. I really hope my car is totaled. In addition to all the stuff that's jacked up with it now I'm pretty sure it has a curse on it.

Today I feel...like I've driven off a cliff. I'm sore and still have thorns stuck in my legs, stomach, hands and bum. I couldn't make it through work last night because I was just...not right and hobbling around. I had my "No Country for Old Men" moment last night - sitting in a bath tub picking glass and plant stuff out of my legs, which stained the bathwater a light pink. Epsom salts are good - I'm not sure what they do, but I'm going with they did help me get the rest of the stuff out of my legs. Yeah, I lost my stuff about it...I don't care about the car but I just feel like crying a lot.

I used to think that it would help my family not be so overprotective of me if something really bad would happen and I'd be okay - just to show them that I'm okay. I feel like I'm being a drama queen, thinking all of this. People have car wrecks everyday - ones way worse than this one. I think what it making all of this so hard, emotionally, is that over the past few years I've (not for the best) conditioned myself to not care about myself. I'm not saying that I didn't care if I lived or died (though I've had my moments) but it's just a shock to the system to try so hard not to care about one's own well being and realizing the will to live is so embedded in me that I can't suppress it and need to just stop now. It hurts to not want to be cut and scratched and bruised and in physical pain and it hurts to not want to be dead at the bottom of a ravine somewhere. I just need to re-learn to deal with all of this and admit that it's okay to not be 100% okay all the time. It's not healthy and I'm sad that I had to drive off a cliff and climb back up it to realize this.