How to Battle a Cold

Step One: Complain. A lot.
Some people consider kvetching about an ailmet annoying. Others have turned this into a whole genre of psychology...psychotherapy. So the next time someone tells you to quit complaining, inform them that by discussing your ailment, you are better coming to terms with it, which in terms leads to faster recovery.

Step Two: Cough. All over everything.
This is your perfect chance to get the peace and quiet that you've always wanted. Annoying coworker? Cough at him/her and watch them run. Pushy salesperson? Cough them away! The inhabitants of our increasingly germ-phobic society will be hesitant to enter your sphere of infection. Enjoy the silence while you can.

Step Three: Rub your nose raw.
Find the most abrasive material with which to dabble your runny schnoz. Today I used shop towels. The blue kind. They feel soft at first and hold a lot of snot. They were better than the tan napkins (recycled/nonbleached) that just smeared it all around my face and ripped up my delicate nostril skin. I looked "rabbity" by the end of the afternoon. BTW-"rabbity" means red rimmed eyes, pink and moist nose, and floppy haired.

Step Four: Decide to Recover. Then tell everyone.
Every day this week, I've declared multiple times in a day that I was going to "feel great tomorrow!" Has it happened? Sort of? I do feel better. And since I'm feeling attention deprived these days, I've been getting my jollies from hearing strangers say "get well soon."

Step Five: Prepare for the recovery.
After spending better than a week feeling like hell and looking even worse, ample preparation must be made for the reintroduction into non-sick society. Granted, I've faked quasi-health pretty well with a creamy (viva la Burts Bees!) concealer and given myself a pseudo-glow with my Nars Blush (Orgasm - all over my face!), I still had that lovely pallor and nice sweaty glow. CVS had lipsticks buy 1 get 1 free, so I got a couple of lovely rosy 'sticks to help perk up my face for when I'm fabulous again on Friday. It's something to look forward to and also, as I'm on the glide path to wearing kleenex boxes on my feet and building a spruce goose, I know I won't put any on my pout until I'm free and clear of disease. I do the same with my toothbrush. Getting well means getting a different toothbrush.

Tonight I nurtured my wellbeing with a trip to the outdoor mall, where I picked up another piece of Vera, got a pretzel, and walked around in the crisp night air. I strongly believe that fresh air is vital to a full recovery. Having my feet and hands buffed to perfection by my cute little asian girl was my primary objective, but alas - her shop was closed. So I sat on the floor of Borders and flipped through humor books for about a half hour. I'm amazed at what gets published these days. If a girl can write a book about all of her one night stands, I wonder what I could write about and have published...