The Day It Became Serious

This week I realized that it's possible for people to die in my building. On my watch. To die. While working.

You work in a place long enough and not only do you know everyone, you know about them. You know where they went to school. You know the town in which they live. You know about their families. After a while you even know names and ages of children, wedding anniversaries, and the things that families go through. Sometime around then is when attachment begins to set in. Attachment is great; it builds rapport. Mutually, it makes working in a place easier because somewhere in all of that, trust is developed. Trust that I'll do a good job. Trust in others that they'll do a good job. Trust is just an all around good thing.

Attachment, in the sense that you care for people as human beings, can be bad. This is the week I realized the pitfall of having a story to go along with the names and faces in the accident reports. It was never just about the injury frequencies, the cost or the numbers. But today, it set in that it's about more than that.

If you count being in the car in the parking lot as being 'at work,' then I cried at work for the first time today. No heavy sobbing or hicupping, but plenty of pink and tear stained cheeks, rolling down uncontrollably as I drove home this evening. I looked at two head wounds today and I was fine. But on my way out to the car, I was talking to a coworker (the coworker) and in the back of my mind, I started wondering about 'what ifs.' 'What if it had been you?' 'What if the people had died?' 'What if you had died?' I thought as I wished him a good evening. It was close enough. I know the impact of an individual meeting their fate. I know who it is or isn't doesn't lessen the effect. But at the exact moment, I realized how serious all of this is and how dangerous work can be and how even though I do as much as I can in a day to keep things right that sometimes they just aren't. And I realized that I genuinely care about people. And I realized that even though I do what I can that someday it will not be enough.

Trying to pass it off as uncomfortable humor, I wished my coworker a good evening and drove up the hill with wet cheeks. I suppose this too comes along with the territory.