Anger is Easy

Ever notice how people want to act pissed off and throw stuff around after they've hit their hand with a hammer?

After much deliberation, I've decided that it's easier to feel anger than any other emotion. Most anger is irrational and thoughtless. It's more socially acceptable to be angry. When's the last time there's been a great movie about people just sitting around being sad? It's all about the anger and the resulting kill crazy rampage that follows. There are no good sorrow movies, but there are several really, really good ones about anger and revenge.

Lately I've tried to be angry and go with it. It's easier than wallowing in the overwhelming sense of defeat that swallows me about three times a day. Today, I was told that I look "down and out." Well, honestly? I am. Today is actually the first day in one month and six days that I've not cried at least once. Today? Not a single tear. And it's because I've committed to just being angry.

I used to think about what I would do when it eventually happened and could never really come up with a good plan as the whole prospect was just so freakin' inconceivable. It would have been easier to conceptualize a massive blast of solar radiation from the sun frying the earth than it was to know what life would be like after. So...I guess maybe the denial stage of the stages of loss/grief/etc was kicking in on that one. That must mean that then came the depression...and the grief over my inability...to just be. And the cursing...curse me and my complicated ways. Me with my multisyllabic, odd name that can't be found on "customized" toothbrushes and pens. Me with my degree in the physical sciences, big boobs, and authoritative position in this "upwardly mobile" life I'm trying to build for myself. Me with my wanderlust, graceful clumsiness, and curious ways. Me with my rogue reproductive system. Me. But why be angry with myself when it's so much easier to be angry with other people. Granted, logic says that anger should be directed at the situation, for if there's any deserving party, it's the situation. But anger defies logic, you see, so fingers certainly cannot be pointed at the deserving party.

I want to be angry. I really, really do. But the oddest thing happened - I committed myself to anger but when faced with the entity at which I want to direct my rage, I can't be angry. I'm enjoying myself too much to be mad. I never saw this coming...unexpected outcomes. Then again, I never thought I'd feel progressively worse about something with each passing day - wtf with that? But yeah, I want to roar and rage and rampage, but I fear I just don't have it in me. And though it's in my nature to want to lash out (similar to the manner an injured animal does) when hurt, I get distracted and laugh and have fun. I genuinely enjoy myself. Perhaps deep down I know that anger will get me nowhere. Deep down I know that sometimes shit just happens. The philosophy of there being no good and no bad, just what's there and it's all in what we make of a situation...appreciating the cards we've been dealt. Deep down I know that I don't really have a good reason to feel so bad...there are the greats and then there are the best of what's there. And then there are situations where being the best of what's there is like being the smartest kid with down's syndrome. What about that is worth mourning over? At least no one's dead.

...except for the Monday Night Girl. I think she's lost and gone forever, but where's the loss in that?