The Peoria Fashion Show?

Tonight at the mall, I saw this girl in one of those faux-Juicy coture jogging suits and a backward baseball cap sitting on a bench, working to keep the attention of the boys on the bench adjacent to hers. She had it going off. And to add that extra special je ne se quois, she had her entire buttocks hanging out of her pants. We're talking full moon. On display. Resting majestically atop the dirty old wooden bench. Reflecting the glare of the mall lights. Off her big, white butt. It was so horrific that I was able to maintain a straight face. My guess is that what I saw was so horrible that my brain didn't completely register it, but did just enough to know what it was looking at. Incredible.

Everytime I go to the indoor mall, it's a veritable fashion show. Not a haute coture fashion show with the girls dressing up their fiercest and walking real mean from shop to shop. It's like...g-thuggs and food court druids and an element of people that would appear should someone open the back of a molester van and yell "Free PBR!!! Come and get it!" The halls of the indoor mall are also occupied with people who seem to spend the majority of their waking hours sitting in front of the computer, waiting for Morpheus to come and offer them a red or blue pill. And then there was a fellow that's can be best described as a Merv the Perv kind, standing in the (soon to close) Sam Goody in all his plaid shorts, black chucks, and rotund glory. Trojan Extended Pleasure baseball cap jauntily perched atop his greasy mop. He had one of those goatees that screamed "Look at me! I'm trying to be Kevin Smith!" And though I never got close enough to confirm (for fear he'd try to whip it out at me), he just looked like he smelled bad.

There's really no moral to this story other than I need to start taking a camera with me when I go to the mall. Then again, trying to capture these animals in their native habitat could end with similar result to swinging a stick at a bear. That is, if the bear were to knock me to the ground and rub its genitals on me while screaming "You'll never understand me because I'm 5,000 years old and my parents make me work at Cinnabon!" God bless the indoor mall.