1 Bride to Be + 1 Totalled Car = 1 Bachelorette Party Weekend, a Flood of Fun

I went to St. Louis for the weekend to join some gals in sending our friend Kat off into matrimony in style. My contribution to the evening: 6 Litres of wine, some cups and a bottle opener. We set up home in the Hampton Inn down by the Landing and I immediately began stocking the fridge and party-proofing the room (and laying claim to the recliner, sneaky gal I am).

The evening's festivities began with the decoration of the bride to be (veil, check. penis shot glass, check. tshirt of things to do and not to do - do the groom, not the gardener. bake for him, don't cook hamburger helper. check) and the drinking of more wine. Then came our next featured guest - Summer the sex toy sales lady! My purchases - 3 jars of concoctions named "nympho niagra," "x-scream," and "bossom buddies." You can guess what these are supposed to do. You can also guess how much these will get used. You can stop laughing now. Right before intermission time, one of the gals called up one of her friends to share my wisdom that "heat treating makes it hard." See, stuff like this is what happens when you fill a hotel room with female engineers, get them drunk and give them sex toys to play with. You have giggly girls wanting to know the torque of a vibrator and demonstrating the right-hand-rule on a dildo. Seriously - it's good times.

From there we went to The Big Bang for some piano bar awesomeness. Kat got to molest the cute piano players and wear a hard hat. We did shots with lady soldiers and I got to stick my ass into some guy's crotch and relish the drunken joy of being in a place where you can just walk up and grab some random guy's buns, not having to worry about what happens after that and just being able to enjoy the squishy feel of a handful of hot ass. White russians were consumed. After that - Morgan Street Brewery...I don't recall drinking that much but I remember how nice it felt to be outside in the early fall and to be conversing with new people and talking to boys. Went back to the hotel, crashed. Woke up briefly to a pint of guiness being offered to me, but I must be getting old because I just sniffed it and put it on the nightstand, rolled over and went back to sleep.

Sunday morning is when the real excitement started. Kat's phone was ringing and ringing and ringing. When it was finally answered, it was a frantic Christina telling Kat that the storm drain/sewer pipe at her complex had burst and flooded the condos at the bottom of the hill and the visitor's parking lot...where Kat had parked her car. We knew it was bad, but figured it to be a total loss when a short while later, Christina called back to tell us that people were being evacuated and that the windows on Kat's Honda were going up and down and the alarm was going off and lights flashing - the Honda's death rattles.

Kat and I were able to get to the car after the water receded - around 2 pm and it was ugly. A thin film of nasty, sticky mud (shit-mud) coated the ground. It was slick and sticky and horrible but thankfully it did not smell. There was a line of grass clipping, dirt, mud, etc around the honda - just above the door handles. When we opened the car, the leather seats were coated in a thin layer of shit and mud and the cupholders and floorboards were filled with brown water, which thankfully, did not smell. Everything in the car was ruined, save some cds we could salvage. We pulled out anything that could be used to steal her identity, left everything else in the car and pulled off the license plates. And then we set off for the longest and yet non-awkward trip back to Peoria. My heart seriously goes out to Kat for the loss of her car. It's going to be a big next 30 days for her - new husband, new life, new car.

Kat's good people. I hope State Farm is good to her and that she gets a good check for the untimely loss of her car. Despite having to total out a car, it was still a pretty good weekend - she said so, so it must be so. I don't think I'll ever be at another bachelorette party that was so rock and roll. Then again, I have another one coming up in October. Here's hoping that one is dry.