Boiling Points

I eat my feelings; I stuff them down. For a myriad of reasons I won't go into right now, I consciously attempt to suppress what I think and feel in an attempt to keep the universe harmonious. I lay in bed at night and I think of all the ways that saying what I think/feel will permanently alter and destroy the nifty little universe I have constructed for myself and then I mourn for the things I will never experience (possibility) and mentally chastise myself for not having the intestinal fortitude (or guts, if you will) to act or say. Simply put, I'm a weenie and it's just not working for me anymore. Therefore this is the week...this is the week that I start making my moves and lining up all the stars and planets and whatever else I can do so that I can go home and enjoy Thanksgiving Break with some semblance of closure for some things and some idea of what to do about others. But as for right now...the immediate present...I am in hell. How am I in hell, you ask? Let me count the ways...

Job

My job review is tomorrow. I've been cultivating bad feelings toward my job since September and despite my best efforts, they keep intensifying. Every day, it's all I can do to not march in, clean out my desk, and leave.

Interpersonal Relations

I don't think I'm doing so well at this lately either. I'm actually feeling rather surly this evening. I'm feeling really restless to boot.

Self-Image

Lately, I feel that no matter how hard I try, I will never be pretty or attractive enough. A strong personality is about all I have going for me and with that and no looks to back it up, I'm like a one legged man in an ass-kicking contest.

Creativity

I have all of these wonderful things to say and some really great ideas...but I just can't get them out. I think a lot of this has to do with the self-image stuff.

So, in conclusion, I'm in limbo...I guess I'll do some things to try to jolt my life back to center...or at least near it and I'll start doing all of this from the moment I wake up tomorrow morning. So consider this a preemptive apology to everyone for just...everything. If you see me in the next few days, just be understanding and reassuring. I'm positive this is just some sort of a dark phase and the clouds will soon pass...but right now it seems that resolution can't come fast enough.