Absolutely Broken

To say that everything is broken really isn't an overstatement. In this past week, I've had a complete breakdown of technology, job sassification, relationships, and health.

When my computers weren't 'throwing up' on me, I was being attacked by people who aren't brave enough to voice irriation at the people who actually have the power to change the source of irritation. It was just enough to push me over the edge to want to go from wanting to change the system to just doing enough to stay afloat until I can move on. Now if I can actually bring myself to go through the motions with anything is something that I have yet to see.

As far as relationships go, I'm so angry that I've allowed myself to be subjected to cruel remarks and mental tortue to the point that now, years later, I get intense fear of being "crazy" and "unstable" should I want to express caring for another person. The fact that I want exclusive relationships with people makes me "posessive" and "controlling." Basically, three years after the fact, I'm absolutely battling that awful internal voice telling me that should I pursue a relationship with anyone, I turn into Glenn Close from "Fatal Attraction." But yet my voice of reason keeps reminding me that the situation that I was in wasn't about me being crazy. It's absolutely not acting crazy to be very angry to be in an arrangement where I'm being lied to, mistreated and actually slapped across the face.

And I'm really working hard on believing that there's nothing wrong with me. Having people apologize when they've been mean to mean and call to see if I'm okay helps. It kills me, actually, to have someone show regard for my feelings. I'm not used to this.

But none of that really mattered after the doctor's office called on Friday morning. I have some abnormalities in routine testing, you see, and this means that on Wednesday, I go back and get checked over again. I'm pretty positive that it was just lab error and I'm going to be fine. It is a strange thought that I would have to potentially be too sexy for my hair and get to see first hand all the effects of physical agents I've studied for so many years.

Every day, I realize more and more, how fragile and fleeting life is and how we're just a heartbeat away from the great beyond. Moments like that make all the bullshit that we subject ourselves to just fade away. Who cares about spats and old grudges? There's no time for neuorses or hangups. As for me...I think all of this is going to be the catalyst for finally letting go of everything and just throwing myself into life and relationships with the knowledge that while it all won't always be rosy, having displeasure at a situation doesn't make a person crazy or wrong. It's just a sign that something's broken and needs to be rechecked and fixed. It's a sign that I need to start giving more regard to myself and first and foremost believing my own perceptions. Life's too short to dwell on the things that don't really matter when there are millions of things out there that do. And I take peace in knowing that whatever I find out this week, oddly enough, everything will be okay...