Spirit of 76

I'm presently undertaking one of my biggest projects yet. You're going to be seeing a lot less of me. Literally.

In other news, I'm at the proving grounds for training this week. (When you see me, tell me where I've been and I'll share my awesome news with you.) A lot can go through your mind when you've got your eyes fixed on a point on the wall for seventy six minutes at a time, pondering all in life that is both mysterious and in need of fixing. I've been thinking a lot about that time that I just moved out and didn't tell my roommates (though I doubt they missed me). When I was walking out the door at 2am with a bookcase under my arm and one came home and asked me if "Y'all moving?" I simply responded "No." and had that stand as the last thing I said to either one of them. For some reason, I've always been fascinated with the idea of just vanishing into thin air. I suppose it's immature, but it could also be a good litmus test for gauging if people actually give a shit afterall. But see, that is indicative of one of my fatal flaws: A million people could be fawning all over me, but with only a select few or special one being utterly indifferent to me, I'm left doubting my personal worth and if anyone really cares at all?

And I've felt like a commodity lately and am slowly trying to come to terms with something a drunken asshole once predicting (or was it telling me what would eventually happen) coming true. There is no more need to hang out with me or even care as I have served my purpose. (And yes, I did text message my girlfriends to tell them what an asshole you are!) And yes, I've thought about this comment with both a sense of impending doom and ultimately sad resignation nearly every day for several months. And never in my life have I so actively tried to be indifferent to something or someone. I always perceived indifference as something that comes without effort, hence it being indifference. But trying to be indifferent, putting forth effort not to care has been utterly exhausting!

I suppose some good has come from not caring my life away. I've taken up a few new hobbies that I enjoy and have met some cool, new people. I've actually gotten to know my mom a bit better as a person (if she had no class she'd want to kick your ass; you should hope you never meet her) rather than just a parent and it's kind of neat to have more open dialog about things. Not caring gave me the balls to get up and do something.

So tomorrow, I'll go back and sit in that drafty room with the uncomfortable chairs and stare at a different point on the wall. Only tomorrow I'll be thinking about all the things over which to give a damn. Another seventy six somethings at a time.