5 Down

In the past week, I've lost 5.8 lbs. That puts me 5.8 lbs closer to world domination. Several people have asked me what I'm going to do when I reach my goal weight. Typical answers for this question include things like "I'm going to go on a shopping spree for smaller clothes!" and "I'm going to eat that food I couldn't eat while on my diet!"

My rebuttal to both is as follows: 1) I will be replacing my tents and cloaks as I progress because ill fitting clothes are not as attractive as ones that fit and if I toss out my phat-pants, I'll be to the point of no return. 2) Pigging out defeats the purpose of having gone on a diet in the first place. Besides, I consider this project less of a diet and more of a lifestyle makeover. So here it is, the 5 things I'm going to do once I'm half the girl I used to be:

1. Put on a bikini. Pose with a sports car. Post the pictures on the internet.
2. Enter a wet tshirt contest. (Don't tell my Mom!)
3. Adopt layered wife beaters as my unofficial uniform for the summer.
4. Burn my girdle.
5. Find out what my feet actually look like.

Weekly Obsessions

1. Big Trouble in Little China
2. Painting decorative lightswitch covers
3. My new framed picture of a ram painted on glass (Goodwille, I love ye!)
4. Cucumbers and hummus
5. Cover Girl makeup (the subliminal advertising of America's Next Top Model has gotten to me; and the Lash Exact mascara is my new do-it-daily)
6. Tina Fey
7. Drinking the skinny juice so that I may become a fearsome cage fighter

Spirit of 76

I'm presently undertaking one of my biggest projects yet. You're going to be seeing a lot less of me. Literally.

In other news, I'm at the proving grounds for training this week. (When you see me, tell me where I've been and I'll share my awesome news with you.) A lot can go through your mind when you've got your eyes fixed on a point on the wall for seventy six minutes at a time, pondering all in life that is both mysterious and in need of fixing. I've been thinking a lot about that time that I just moved out and didn't tell my roommates (though I doubt they missed me). When I was walking out the door at 2am with a bookcase under my arm and one came home and asked me if "Y'all moving?" I simply responded "No." and had that stand as the last thing I said to either one of them. For some reason, I've always been fascinated with the idea of just vanishing into thin air. I suppose it's immature, but it could also be a good litmus test for gauging if people actually give a shit afterall. But see, that is indicative of one of my fatal flaws: A million people could be fawning all over me, but with only a select few or special one being utterly indifferent to me, I'm left doubting my personal worth and if anyone really cares at all?

And I've felt like a commodity lately and am slowly trying to come to terms with something a drunken asshole once predicting (or was it telling me what would eventually happen) coming true. There is no more need to hang out with me or even care as I have served my purpose. (And yes, I did text message my girlfriends to tell them what an asshole you are!) And yes, I've thought about this comment with both a sense of impending doom and ultimately sad resignation nearly every day for several months. And never in my life have I so actively tried to be indifferent to something or someone. I always perceived indifference as something that comes without effort, hence it being indifference. But trying to be indifferent, putting forth effort not to care has been utterly exhausting!

I suppose some good has come from not caring my life away. I've taken up a few new hobbies that I enjoy and have met some cool, new people. I've actually gotten to know my mom a bit better as a person (if she had no class she'd want to kick your ass; you should hope you never meet her) rather than just a parent and it's kind of neat to have more open dialog about things. Not caring gave me the balls to get up and do something.

So tomorrow, I'll go back and sit in that drafty room with the uncomfortable chairs and stare at a different point on the wall. Only tomorrow I'll be thinking about all the things over which to give a damn. Another seventy six somethings at a time.

She's a Hoser

Today I learned how to make special application hose. First, you cut the hose to the needed length and then you place the cut end into the measuring device and make a mark to show where the fitting should be placed. Next, you lubricate the end of the hose and you attach the fitting. After that, you place the die and the ring into the crimper and insert the hose, fitting affixed end up. You'll then pull the lever to apply pressure to crimp the fitting into the house. Finally, use the digital calipers to measure the fitting and compare it to the specified size chart glued to the side of the crimper.

The Evil Eye

Yet again my eye is infected. But unlike the last times I've suffered from such affliction, this time I actually took medicinal measures to speed the clearing of the problem and hopefully prevent future occurrences; I went to the eye doctor.

One hour, two numb eyes, and a presciption for salve later, I was on my way to ye olde drug store to fill ye olde prescription. I was more than happy to wait on said prescription as one of my favorite quirky activities (as some of you may know) is to walk down every aisle in health and beauty and inspect and smell all the soaps, lotions, face washes, shampoos, conditions, assorted beautifying goos and to read the packing of most of the makeups and other assorted beauty enhancers. Despite my impending need for new mascara and eyeliner as my others are now casualties of bacterial contamination, I left the store without any such items. Afterall, I have a week left until I can once again sport eye makeup (or contact lenses), so there's plenty of time to contemplate said purchase. Eyeliner will, of course, be the perrenial favorite Cover Girl Perfect Blend Black Brown pencil. I'm currently shopping for a new mascara though. Maybelline no longer makes my Illegal Length and the price of that cool japanese lash-tube mascara is staggering. Any suggestions would be much appreciated.

So I'll be spending the remainder of the week without my contacts. I'm only in hour 15 and I'm already seriously considering lasik. The sheer weight of my spectacles puts uncomfortable pressure on the tops of my ears. My depth perception is less than optimal. If I'm not careful where I place my glasses, they could catch the sunlight wrong and start a fire. But I wear them. Even if I weren't legally blind without them...well, that statement is reason enough to just keep them on. (On a side note, I just knocked chammomile tea onto the carpet next to my chair because I misjudged on picking up the mug next to my chair. Last night, I spilled my beer on the same spot.) There could be much worse fates than being seen in my glasses. The glasses are rather attractive and I think I look decent in them (not quite Tina Fey, not quite a bad knock off). Funny thing is, no one has really noticed that I am now bespectacled. I figured more people would notice, but perhaps I wasn't at good at hiding my myopia as I thought.

But I am Good at Painting Pottery

Checked out Central Illinois Ceramics...is that what it's called? It's in Creve Couer and it's pretty awesome. You name it, you can fire, paint, and glaze it there. I started working on a small statue of a Chinaman. While not the preferred nomenclature, figured it'd be better descriptive than referring to him as "Lo Pan," in honor of the thousand year old villian in John Carpenter's 80s movie Big Trouble in Little China. When Lo Pan's been painted and glazed, he'll keep a watchful eye on my livingroom from the top of my xbox. Upcoming projects will include some lions and bears (no tigers, oh my!) and a tea set. I saw a gigantor beer stein that I can't help but suspect would be much appreciated by someone I know. However, in all my yellow girliness, I'm curious of how I could lavish such a cool gift on someone and not get awkward reception in return. But seriously folks, the thing has wolves on it. And black forest galore. And bears - bavarian ones!

Get Back in Your Cage!

Recently, my office was moved out into the hallway, where a couple of walls and windows separate me from the rest of the world. This place is the kind of room where people can just stare at you while you work. We're on display in there. While it's a nice room, sitting in there makes me understand why monkeys in zoos throw poop at the windows.

Friday morning, I'm walking to my office when the cleaning lady waves a broom at me and shouts to me, while pointing at my office "GET BACK IN YOUR CAGE!"

And that's how I started the last day of last week.

Fermenting Jaeger

I have committed a most heinous party foul. I put a bottle of jaegermeister in THE CABINET and left if there for a year. In fairness to me, I didn't know it was there, but then again, it's jaeger so it's still unexcusable. While giving a liquor cabinet tour to my two favorite guys in P-town, I stumbled across this bottle and was quickly admonished for having it in the cabinet. "It may have deer blood in it!" So I opened the bottle to take a whiff and it fizzed. Definite bacterial action going on there. I haven't been able to bring myself to pour it down the drain yet, but drinking it is absolutely out of the question. Sad day indeed.

Blueberry Beer Heals What Ales You

Last weekend, while in Bar Harbor, Maine, I sampled a bottle of "Bar Harbor Blueberry Ale." After placing my order, I anxiously awaited the arrival of my beverage. I like beer and I like blueberries. And if there was ever a blueberry country, it's probably in Maine beacuse they grow a ton of them up there. And they are good blueberries at that. While this regional ale was rather tasty - a bit sweet, slightly berry tinged...I just couldn't get into it. Overall, it was like any other ale; I could barely detect a hint of blueberry in the after taste. However, tonight at Old Chicago, the World Beer Tour took me back to Wisconsin, where I sampled another Blueberry Ale. It was so good that it I cannot exactly recall the name of this beverage. This ale had a smooth taste and was bursting with blueberry flavor that permeated all levels of taste. Blueberry flavor popped in my mouth as soon as the ale hit my tongue. While drinking it and immediately after, I got this sense of butteriness that was comforting and different. And after the swallow, I could taste that good ale flavor. It was like drinking a pie...but way better. It appears that Wisconsin once again out-beers Maine. Anyway, blueberry ales, give them a chance. They're good as a dessert beer.

Summer Obsessions

1. Tomfoolery in the front yard.
2. The World Beer Tour
3. Running and Kickboxing
4. Books on Taoism
5. Paintings