Absolutely Broken

To say that everything is broken really isn't an overstatement. In this past week, I've had a complete breakdown of technology, job sassification, relationships, and health.

When my computers weren't 'throwing up' on me, I was being attacked by people who aren't brave enough to voice irriation at the people who actually have the power to change the source of irritation. It was just enough to push me over the edge to want to go from wanting to change the system to just doing enough to stay afloat until I can move on. Now if I can actually bring myself to go through the motions with anything is something that I have yet to see.

As far as relationships go, I'm so angry that I've allowed myself to be subjected to cruel remarks and mental tortue to the point that now, years later, I get intense fear of being "crazy" and "unstable" should I want to express caring for another person. The fact that I want exclusive relationships with people makes me "posessive" and "controlling." Basically, three years after the fact, I'm absolutely battling that awful internal voice telling me that should I pursue a relationship with anyone, I turn into Glenn Close from "Fatal Attraction." But yet my voice of reason keeps reminding me that the situation that I was in wasn't about me being crazy. It's absolutely not acting crazy to be very angry to be in an arrangement where I'm being lied to, mistreated and actually slapped across the face.

And I'm really working hard on believing that there's nothing wrong with me. Having people apologize when they've been mean to mean and call to see if I'm okay helps. It kills me, actually, to have someone show regard for my feelings. I'm not used to this.

But none of that really mattered after the doctor's office called on Friday morning. I have some abnormalities in routine testing, you see, and this means that on Wednesday, I go back and get checked over again. I'm pretty positive that it was just lab error and I'm going to be fine. It is a strange thought that I would have to potentially be too sexy for my hair and get to see first hand all the effects of physical agents I've studied for so many years.

Every day, I realize more and more, how fragile and fleeting life is and how we're just a heartbeat away from the great beyond. Moments like that make all the bullshit that we subject ourselves to just fade away. Who cares about spats and old grudges? There's no time for neuorses or hangups. As for me...I think all of this is going to be the catalyst for finally letting go of everything and just throwing myself into life and relationships with the knowledge that while it all won't always be rosy, having displeasure at a situation doesn't make a person crazy or wrong. It's just a sign that something's broken and needs to be rechecked and fixed. It's a sign that I need to start giving more regard to myself and first and foremost believing my own perceptions. Life's too short to dwell on the things that don't really matter when there are millions of things out there that do. And I take peace in knowing that whatever I find out this week, oddly enough, everything will be okay...

Where is the Happy Place

Twenty minutes after midnight, I close my eyes and all the pain in my back from this 18 hour day fades. The grittiness in my eyes, the frustration in my lungs, the cut on my hand, the pounding in my brain...for a moment it is gone.

To say that today I suffered from a case of the Mondays is an obvious statement. From the moment I woke, feeling the crusty sting of a fresh stye on my left eyelid and heaviness in my chest from lack of sleep, I knew that it'd be a grand task to keep the spirits high. Cold breakfast sandwich, meetings that drag on, and news that a wall is growing old and dropping its blocks were the good morning news of the day. I thought I made some prgress with reports, etc and then hit a brick wall. I'm nearly positive that I'm mocked behind my back...is it that obvious that I'm such a stupid girl? A joke? Out of my league in more ways than several? The screen on my home laptop went out tonight. I rushed it to Best Buy's Geek Squad with service plan in hand and proud that I had the where-with to put it in a case and be calm and matter of fact, rather than wrapping it in a blanket and huffing and crying, as many of my kind are expected to do. Even ordering a muffin from Starbucks on University was a chore. Every time I requested something that they just could not do, I resisted the urge to counter with "the one at Grand Prairie can do it." There I go again, always comparing things to others...

The "G" key snapped off The Beast., my work laptop. I shoved it back into the keyboard and willed it to stay put...telling it that it knows what's good for it. I'm surrounded by people that bully and brute toward the desired outcome. Shouldn't it be natural that I'd want to eventually lean that way too? Afterall, it works for them. I feel I'm nearing a crossroads with my life, but have no idea which path to take. I sure never thought I'd end up where I am now. Somedays, everything in the universe is pushing me to just run away and try again while others, it seems like I have to look for reasons not to stay. But really, how many 'stay' reasons do I have? Most of them are like a celestial cycle and once in a blue moon, I could see myself here forever. Then I realize I'm being foolish and try to look for other reasons and signs. Perhaps I get sidetracked before I can truly realize that there just aren't any there. Nights like tonight, I feel utterly adrift at sea.

So the only logical thing to do is to go to the happy place. Gotta love the happy place, that spot in your mind where all is good and tomorrow shines as a brighter day. Sometimes, if I think about my happy place hard enough, it actually materializes before me. Then there are times like right now, where all the wishing in the world won't make my Monday seem better.

...The "G" button just snapped off my keyboard again. I "glued" it on there with clear nail polish. It worked on my old saxophone, why not this computer?

Anyway, I guess the only rational thing to do at a moment like this is to crawl in bed and try again "tomorrow." The idea of sleep is phenomenal...so I suppose for now, that is my happy place.

Check Your Demographic at the Door

On Friday afternoon, I had to complete some career planning forms with my supervisor. One of the items to provide information for is relocation contingencies. Parameters on my move could have been based on 1) Having a spouse, 2) Having children, or 3) Having a spouse and children.

I have none of these. Yet there was no box for me to check. In order to move on through the software, I had to check that any relocation is affecting my theoretical spouse. Whatever happened to consideration for the singles? I want my box that says I will move whereever I please, not having to consider husbands and children, seeking only a place that offers more money, more fun, more life satisfaction opportunities! I want a box that says I'm holding out for something spectacular and was willing to wait rather than just do what should logically come next.

Go to college. Get a job. Get married. Have children.... What happened to the adventure? What happened to it being okay to be alone for a while and learn how to live with one's self and only one's self? And is there ever really a logical order for anything? There's no set way to do things, right? Why the stigma of being alone?

But I never really came up with any good answers for this as I just checked the box for the theoretical spouse and moved along, knowing that it was more pragmatism and less wishful thinking. I need to get promoted to something else. Maybe then I can start having an actual rather than theoretical life.

Leave the Lion Alone!!!

There's a sculpture of a lion just outside of Bergner's at the fancy outdoor mall. It's completely anatomically correct. This is something that I noticed but just disregarded after realizing this because really, what does it matter if a lion sculpture sports a pair of testiclees? Lions do have those, you know.

Apparently as the youth of Peoria saunter by this bronze creature, they just have to stop and...manipulate the genitalia on this lion. And this really bothers Barista Alicia. The taking of the pictures, the repositioning of the lights so that they shine upon the testiclees in all their bronze glory...she'll see this happen while gazing through the window of the coffee shop and just flip out that the kids won't leave the lion alone.

Now, as a lion enthusiast, I'm all for bronze lion rights. However, I see greater humor not in the groping and assualt of said lion, but rather the reaction of the people who witness this every day. Last night, while tidying the shop, I'd watch her suddenly just flip out and start shouting at the window "LEAVE THE LION'S BALLS ALONE! MY GOD PEOPLE!!!" Now picture this multiple times a day...one moment you're trying to get a cup of coffee and the next, your barista is screaming about lion balls.

V for Victory Day

Today is/was Valentine's Day. And, I never really noticed.

I started the day with a pain in my shoulder, but a spring in my step knowing that warmer weather and brighter days are just around the corner. I was going to use this post to wax philosophical about Valentine's Day is about loving yourself and being with friends, but instead I'll just say that today was a Victory. I had a good day, didn't eat any of that nasty chocolate, spread joy to the world, and reveled in the fact that today was a beautiful day.

Misogynist Manual

Tonight, I did something that is akin to giving money to the nazi party. I bought the Tucker Max book. And I was so excited about the book that I left, forgetting to pick up a copy of the new Vanity Fair where Lindsey Lohen talks about doing drugs and is scantily clad on the cover.

As someone who considers herselves to be on the front line of feminism, I should feel bad about reading - let alone buying - a text chronicling the exploits of a self-professed womanizer. This text should serve as a warning, but instead it's entertaining. I could look for deeper meaning in this collection of stories or analyze the author as sad or making a "cry for help." But read the stories about the sushi pants, almost getting killed by cowboys, and trying...sex in a very uncomfortable place (like in the back of a volkswagon?) and you'll laugh. A lot. And then read it aloud for the other people in the car on the way home from St. Louis.

Inconceivable

Sometimes we're faced with possibilities that just can't be conceptualized. We can't do this because the idea is so far fetched or fantastic...sometimes the thought is too horrible to even comprehend. I feel this way when (even though I try) I can't even imagine things being any other way.

There are some people in this world that I just can't imagine not being around. This could mean in my life in some capacity and this can mean even walking the earth's surface. Certain people not being around in any capacity at all - something I can't even imagine and yet it's something that someday will inevitably have to be faced.

My uncle was in St. Louis all week with congestive heart failure.
A good friend is in ICU in Paducah.

I have no clue what the world would be like without these people in it. All I can say for sure is that it would never be the same.

"Shut the F*** Up, Donny"

Today I had a Theodore Donald Kerabatsos moment...

I'm sitting in a meeting and of course things got off track. The topic of conversation shifted to this book about the 5 love languages. Immediately, all the men in the room were intrigued and asking questions. I really wasn't paying attention, being too busy manning the computer and trying to save the world.

I overheard something about love languages and spun around in my chair and said "I don't think anything can sound romantic in German. It's such an aggressive language." Everyone stopped and looked at me and then just went back to talking about ways of sweet talking their wives.

At that moment, I could hear the voice of Walter Sobchak shouting over my shoulder to shut up. Some days I'm just oblivious to the world around me.



...I am the walrus...

Closed Captioned

Tonight after stuffing myself with breadsticks and seriously considering buying a rabbit, I decided to swing past the gym on my way home and go for 3 miles on the elliptical trainer. Now, I wouldn't normally work out after Tuesday Night Out, but today a new girl in the building had "thin" and "hot" used as descriptive terms (vague, but it gets the point across) when pointing her out, so I felt it best to take my fatguttery to the gym and sweat away in vain over the pipe dream that someday I would be described as such. ...After reading that last sentence, I just realized that someone has just written themselves a voucher for one free cockpunch.

Anyway...

I'm hoofing away, arms flailing, NIN blasting on my ipod when I found myself drawn to the episode of Boston Legal on the television screen. This show holds much appeal in theory in that it features both Captain Kirk AND Murphy Brown in the courts of law with Mr. Sinister Hotness, James Spader. I've never watched an entire episode, yet even watching the captions at the bottom of the screen, I found myself glued to the screen. Keep in mind that when "running" in place at a resistance a 10 (feel the burn!), it's hard to follow a storyline, however, I was anxiously awaiting to see if Murphy Brown had won her case. When the time came for the reading of the verdict, I was riveted to the screen. Beads of sweat pouring down my face, sweat staining my shirt, the defendant is found...

and then the captions just stopped. It just stopped!

There are some things in this world that should work consistently. Air bags, jet engines...one could probably argue a case for cellular service. Close captioning should work all of the time. It's not so much that it's a life/death situation but rather that I've noticed that this never consistently works. Most closed captioning is garbled gibberish. This is way wrong. If I were one of those sue-happy people, I'd scream class action lawsuit and rally the hearing impaired over this.

Sometimes I'll...

...wave my hand to the side and pretend I'm using Jedi powers to open the door when I pass through automatic doors.

...take off my shoes and rub the bottoms of my feet against textured surfaces because it feels good.

...put my fedora on top of the television and giggle because it looks like everyone on tv is wearing my hat.

...think about just getting in my car, turning off my phone, picking a random direction and just going awol for a week or two.

...I'll seriously think about getting a guinea pig.

...wish I could have beer for breakfast or lunch.

...I'll open an old calculus book and solve problems "for fun."

...take stuff apart and not be able to put it back together but be too embarassed to get help getting it back together.

...think about getting a pair of glasses without the prescription lenses to sport over my contact lenses because I think I look cute in glasses, but not ones as thick as mine.

...scratch my back with a fork.

Refreshingly Cold

My day in review:

Woke up at 5:45, turned off one alarm, turned on tv, sat down on bed and fell asleep until 7:04. Though I have no official hours, work starts at 8. As I'm driving into work at 5 'til 8, I see Nicole, who points and laughs. I feign distress, throwing my head back and a forearm over my forehead, all while operating a motor vehicle.

Meetings. Meetings. Meeting preparation.

Lunch. It was pizza day. Work is a lot like college in that everyone gets excited over the themed food days in the cafeteria. I sat with the girls and at one point we all turned around and stared at one of the engineers behind us at the cash register. I suggested we pass him a note during study hall. We discussed the social awkwardness of our coworkers and then traded notes on how to react to the building "boob lookers."

Monthly take cover drill. I'm starting to enjoy the emergency drills if nothing else, for the sheer joy of throwing a wrench in other peoples' afternoon plans. Cari was right, I am "becoming evil."

Two more meetings. I looked at someone's chair and decided to not even try to fix it, instead opting to have it replaced with a new one. ...Must remember to follow up on that next week. "Hey, how's that new chair working out for you?" I hung out in other people's cubicles and watched them have too much fun with a pair of ear plugs, fashioning them into a noose, then a headpiece (with antennae), and finally a headband, complete with a "Lord of the Dance" type in-chair gyration. Then we laughed at the engineering pit across the hall and how we could hear them laughing and yelling "BULLSHIT." It was even funnier when the lifer in the adjacent desk turns around and said "What are they smoking?" I returned to my desk and tinkered with intra-office instant messanger and then turned around and noticed that someone had drawn a picture of Yoda on my markerboard.

Left work. Wallored in self pity for 15 minutes. Cheered up. Dumped uncooked spaghetti all over my feet. Decided to eat the other part of that Bennigan's Monte Cristo sammich...a quick note about this sammich: Ham, Turkey, Cheese. Sounds normal so far, right? Deep fried - the whole damn thing. Then coated in powdered sugar and served up with a cup of raspberry jam. Who in the world thought of this? I consider that one of those 'experience foods.' You've experienced them and then you order something new off the menu.

Trip to the mall for a mani-pedi. Had a stand in for my usual nail lady. I left there wearing flip flops with my pant legs rolled up to my knees. My usual nail lady once scurried outside to stop me as I headed out with pant legs still rolled. This guy was kind of like...fend for yourself. So I walked the quarter mile or so to my car, the freezing temperatures stinging my bare legs. I could have been irritated, but instead decided that I'd consider the cold to be refreshing.

But that's just me...I try to find the benefit/good in everything.

Three days down. Two left to go.