I thought Hindsight was 20/20

I've been reading old chat logs lately as I've been missing some folks that I no longer get to see as often as I used to. I always thought that I did a decent job of not taking people for granted, but from the dull ache I feel when I read through some old conversations, I'm afraid I did. I'm also amazed at how just now it seems that I'm able to consciously admit how badly I lied to myself for about a 15 month window. I was trying so hard to make something work that even though I was pretty much outright saying to some people that it wasn't and I was miserable that I completely missed this fact myself. Lessons learned from this: if something is in your life and suddenly there's less room for things that once really mattered a lot then that is not a good thing. If people go away because of this new thing in your life, that's not a good thing either. And if you suddenly realize that when the smoke clears, people are glad you're "back," then things were an unspeakable level of wrong.

A long time ago, I realized that I missed out on something that was potentially awesome (or not, but I think it would have been more awesome than not if the timing had been right) due to wasting my time with something that made me unhappy and I complained about but never really did anything about and I swore I'd never be so focused on making what I didn't want work out of sake of pride that I would do that again...

So I'm digging through some papers a few days ago and you know what? I think did it again...and it only took me years to figure out that I messed up...again.

This post has been brought to you by being tired and not knowing what you've got until it's gone. Oh, and staying up too late to finish getting the song "Damn I Wish I was Your Lover" by Sophie B. Hawkins in the name of nostalgia. For a song that sometimes I need to listen to, I'm surprised I don't have it more readily at hand