Go with God
I twisted my ankle running across the quad today. The pain didn't even register until I was back at my desk because I was so elated at finally feeling free and the preoccupation that people were looking at me and saying "Who is that idiot running across the lawn?" But it's just that sometimes it feels so damn good to run and feel the wind in my hair and the earth passing by beneath my feet.
I started cleaning and redecorating things around my house and room last night. After I get my room just so, I'm sealing it off to the rest of the world for a while. I need a temple, solace from the world, and something that is mysterious...though until I get the rest of the clothes up off the floor, what the floor looks like is mysterious enough. The first addition was a cross above the door to ward off the presence of evil. The second being a fire extinguisher to put out whatever demon that bursts into flames upon attempting entry into my temples.
On a whim, I decided to get a haircut tonight. It's been a while as I've been trying to grow out my hair. No more side swept bangs or layers that accentuate the hugeness of my head. Yes, I've been trying to cut down on the self deprecation because I'm starting to remember how awesome I used to be/still am? The other night, I called myself a moped while talking to someone on the phone and I (would like to have?) heard sadness in his response that I'm not. I'm not a moped...a tricycle maybe, but not a moped. Vroom vroom. But the hair looks good. And I could correlate all but 2 of my haircuts this year to run ins with certain people. When did I start grooming to cheer myself up? Whatever happened to booze, hookers, and crack?
Leaving for Kentucky tomorrow afternoon. Thankgoodness for going somewhere to breathe. I'm counting the days until I can have a cabin and a hound dog. I'm counting the minutes until I can remember what it feels like to hug people I love.
Thursday, August 31, 2006
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
The Tuesday Three
1. Grandpa! is doing better and will be going home from the hospital tomorrow. He'll be on blood thinners and may be moving up to Springfield, which will make it easier to see him more frequently.
2. I'm getting an x-ray on my arm tomorrow morning because I got hit with an explosion resistent test cell door today. At first I was cool with an ice pack, but my supervisor wants to be sure that I didn't fracture my arm. Heavy duty doors under massive amounts of negative pressure are dangerous things.
3. That's about it, really. It's pretty nice out. Kind of chilly. Yeah, that was my Tuesday.
1. Grandpa! is doing better and will be going home from the hospital tomorrow. He'll be on blood thinners and may be moving up to Springfield, which will make it easier to see him more frequently.
2. I'm getting an x-ray on my arm tomorrow morning because I got hit with an explosion resistent test cell door today. At first I was cool with an ice pack, but my supervisor wants to be sure that I didn't fracture my arm. Heavy duty doors under massive amounts of negative pressure are dangerous things.
3. That's about it, really. It's pretty nice out. Kind of chilly. Yeah, that was my Tuesday.
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
It's Sharing Time
Here are several things I'm preoccupied with lately:
1. My grandpa is in the hospital.
2. My grandpa may be having surgery as soon as tomorrow.
3. My grandpa is nearly 90 and has blockages.
4. My grandpa may have to be taken to Springfield to have the procedure.
5. My grandpa is in the hospital...
Here are several things I'm preoccupied with lately:
1. My grandpa is in the hospital.
2. My grandpa may be having surgery as soon as tomorrow.
3. My grandpa is nearly 90 and has blockages.
4. My grandpa may have to be taken to Springfield to have the procedure.
5. My grandpa is in the hospital...
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
Things to Consider...
I picked up that Jenny Lewis and the Watson Twins cd this afternoon. I'm three tracks in and it's quite lovely. In the late 80s, I had grown accustomed to Jenny Lewis as that awesome girl who woo'd Fred Savage in The Wizard, but man was it a pleasant surprise to have her clear, sweet voice woo me through the speakers. Very country flavored and that appeals to me.
And when not receiving eargasms ala Jenny Lewis, I've been pondering the concept of "punishment." I fear what started as extreme effort of putting on a brave face and using my wounding wit to form a shield from all that causes me to not sleep and ache in the belly is out of control. It's self defense, that urge to make someone else feel as insignificant as they made you feel, turned destructive force. But what's one to do when the urge to attempt to inflict emotional punishment becomes this out of control monster. My brain is practically screaming an invite for reconnection but my mouth says such flippant, rude things. Things that I used to think as joking, but can't anymore when I can hear the daggers in my voice. How do we learn to stop stabbing when it feels so much better to hug? This is me being introspective about how caring isn't a sign of weakness and how I just want to say sorry for being such an axe wound and that I miss people. Especially the ones in my own back yard. Or front yard, depending on which direction you are facing.
And when not receiving eargasms or being introspective about people over yonder, I'm hung up on wines lately. Went to Jonah's this afternoon to help with a blind date. I just happened to "run into" a friend over drinks and a plate of shrimp an hour before she waited to meet Mr. Mystery Man. Should hear more about this tomorrow. Speaking of meeting mystery men, the days until Speed Dating are counting down fast. I used to joke about it being a chance to be rejected by 15 guys in 2 hours rather than one slowly and painfully over the course of a few months. Mom said that I should view it as a chance to choose from 15 guys over 2 hours...and that I need to quit being such a negative nancy. So I'm picking out outfits and deciding on a drink and trying to figure out where to get a bell I can bring when I want them to bring me a new fellow.
I survived August 22nd. Someone shat in the floor at work today. I've lost 2.7 pounds since Thursday. Pinot grigio is good wine. And that's all I have to say about today.
I picked up that Jenny Lewis and the Watson Twins cd this afternoon. I'm three tracks in and it's quite lovely. In the late 80s, I had grown accustomed to Jenny Lewis as that awesome girl who woo'd Fred Savage in The Wizard, but man was it a pleasant surprise to have her clear, sweet voice woo me through the speakers. Very country flavored and that appeals to me.
And when not receiving eargasms ala Jenny Lewis, I've been pondering the concept of "punishment." I fear what started as extreme effort of putting on a brave face and using my wounding wit to form a shield from all that causes me to not sleep and ache in the belly is out of control. It's self defense, that urge to make someone else feel as insignificant as they made you feel, turned destructive force. But what's one to do when the urge to attempt to inflict emotional punishment becomes this out of control monster. My brain is practically screaming an invite for reconnection but my mouth says such flippant, rude things. Things that I used to think as joking, but can't anymore when I can hear the daggers in my voice. How do we learn to stop stabbing when it feels so much better to hug? This is me being introspective about how caring isn't a sign of weakness and how I just want to say sorry for being such an axe wound and that I miss people. Especially the ones in my own back yard. Or front yard, depending on which direction you are facing.
And when not receiving eargasms or being introspective about people over yonder, I'm hung up on wines lately. Went to Jonah's this afternoon to help with a blind date. I just happened to "run into" a friend over drinks and a plate of shrimp an hour before she waited to meet Mr. Mystery Man. Should hear more about this tomorrow. Speaking of meeting mystery men, the days until Speed Dating are counting down fast. I used to joke about it being a chance to be rejected by 15 guys in 2 hours rather than one slowly and painfully over the course of a few months. Mom said that I should view it as a chance to choose from 15 guys over 2 hours...and that I need to quit being such a negative nancy. So I'm picking out outfits and deciding on a drink and trying to figure out where to get a bell I can bring when I want them to bring me a new fellow.
I survived August 22nd. Someone shat in the floor at work today. I've lost 2.7 pounds since Thursday. Pinot grigio is good wine. And that's all I have to say about today.
Sunday, August 20, 2006
Banjo Music on NPR and Other Things I'm Digging Today
My favorite part about driving downstate would definitely have to be the seemingly never ending supply of blue grass and bayou music on 91.3 WUIS Springfield. I could rock out to this music for days at a time. It makes me want to go get a cabin in the woods and enjoy the fall as God intended - sitting on a porch, in a rocking chair, whittling something, drinking whiskey spiked tea, smoking my pipe, and shooting at trespassers. Perhaps some day when I'm old and gray, I'll use the money I sold my good years for to get myself a cabin, a jar for sun tea, a rifle, and a hounddog who will be called 'Ol Smokey.
I'm also rather enamoured with my new blue suede shoes that I purchased for occasions requiring me to look presentable. This means I will be wearing them every day.
The new and improved Gordmans in Springfield in pretty sweet. Last March (or was it April), the store was eaten by the tornado that swept through Springfield. This evening, the store looked exactly as it did when it opened. Striped socks, a bottle of Blvgari perfume, and a celtic cross to keep demons away were purchased.
Corn dogs are currently high on my list of beloved items. I had my first one in quite a while at the State Fair on Friday evening. That night, I also took a ride across the fair, 40 feet up in the air, on the skytram. Once I made the mental calculation that I'd die instantly should the tram cables fail, I spent the rest of the ride trying to enjoy myself...and actually succeeded. Mind of matter. Mind over that nasty, nasty threat of gravity.
Finally, The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past is rocking my world. Gameboy SP for the win. Level 6 kicking my butt. Not so much.
Banjos, Blvgari, Corn Dogs, Video Games. These are the things that make my world turn.
My favorite part about driving downstate would definitely have to be the seemingly never ending supply of blue grass and bayou music on 91.3 WUIS Springfield. I could rock out to this music for days at a time. It makes me want to go get a cabin in the woods and enjoy the fall as God intended - sitting on a porch, in a rocking chair, whittling something, drinking whiskey spiked tea, smoking my pipe, and shooting at trespassers. Perhaps some day when I'm old and gray, I'll use the money I sold my good years for to get myself a cabin, a jar for sun tea, a rifle, and a hounddog who will be called 'Ol Smokey.
I'm also rather enamoured with my new blue suede shoes that I purchased for occasions requiring me to look presentable. This means I will be wearing them every day.
The new and improved Gordmans in Springfield in pretty sweet. Last March (or was it April), the store was eaten by the tornado that swept through Springfield. This evening, the store looked exactly as it did when it opened. Striped socks, a bottle of Blvgari perfume, and a celtic cross to keep demons away were purchased.
Corn dogs are currently high on my list of beloved items. I had my first one in quite a while at the State Fair on Friday evening. That night, I also took a ride across the fair, 40 feet up in the air, on the skytram. Once I made the mental calculation that I'd die instantly should the tram cables fail, I spent the rest of the ride trying to enjoy myself...and actually succeeded. Mind of matter. Mind over that nasty, nasty threat of gravity.
Finally, The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past is rocking my world. Gameboy SP for the win. Level 6 kicking my butt. Not so much.
Banjos, Blvgari, Corn Dogs, Video Games. These are the things that make my world turn.
Sunday, August 13, 2006
Obligatory Update
I made an impromptu trip home this weekend. I packed and fled my home in 12 minutes, and this included two trips downstairs to get all my stuff into the car. I even remembered my golf shoes. Didn't make it home with socks or a contact lens case, but one can argue that the best road trips start with "I left my house in 12 minutes."
So why does one leave their house in 12 minutes, spur of the moment. Officially: I was fleeing from the mob. Unofficially: I got Peoria'd out. I'm not sure I like it up here anymore and these days, it doesn't take much to send me running for the city limits with quivering lip. Being let down by yet another person yet again sent me road tripping. Having my priorities out of whack sent me home yet again. My obliterated self esteem sent me packing, yet again.
Driving is a great way to clear the mind and devise plans. That doesn't work as well when you spend part of your trip yelling into a cell phone about how you'd almost rather be in Missouri and contemplating driving off a bridge. But then, somewhere past Springfield, I remembered that I had driven over my last bridge for the trip, so living another day was the only viable option. And then I sent text messages. I find myself sending to usual suspects and am begining to wonder if these lifetime updates aren't so much updates as requests to be rescued. I always thought that I was the hero of my own story but at the end of it all, maybe I'm just a girl in need of rescue. So if you're reading this, please come rescue me and we'll run off someplace sunny and not Peoria and live happily ever after...or until you get bored with me and cast me aside. Either way, I'm sure it'll be fun while it lasted. Yeah, rescue...I rest my case.
Mostly, I debated getting a haircut. The layers are out of control. Funny thing is, whenever I threaten to bob my hair, it does something adorable. My hair is like that worthless dog that pees on the rug repeatedly and when threatened with euthanization, thwarts a burglar. It lives another day.
Home was good and though I tried to put on a brave face, I ended up bursting into tears upon seeing my parents and crawled into bed with mom and spent the evening crying myself to sleep long after mom fell asleep and started snoring (which is okay because I snore too). Sometime in the night, I went downstairs and checked my email and started to blog about my satisfaction with being a constant option and after thought, but I navigated away from the page and lost my post. See, even the internet doesn't want to hear me whine and bitch. I took it as a cosmic sign to quit being such a little bitch and went back to bed.
Saturday morning was good - went to the grocery store and fruit market and hung out with Grandpa for a bit. Couldn't really understand what he was saying, but we had a good visit anyway. Found out that my uncle has been at Barnes Hospital for 3 weeks with the diabetes but he'll be coming home soon and no longer works and will be spending lots of time with his brand new grandbaby, born a few days ago at a healthy 7-11! After our visit, we all went home, cooked lunch and had several stiff drinks. Actually, we had Light Corona with lime, but to me and my reduced caloric intake (minus 20 lbs in 7 weeks), A beer is a lot of alcohol. Then I fell asleep in the chair watching a Rambo movie. Woke up, grilled out, took food up to Grandpa, who was more coherent than in the morning, and went back home. End of Saturday.
Today...steak and eggs for breakfast. Talked to Mom about what to do with the rest of my life the whole way back up to Springfield and then stopped in Lincoln for gas and Red Bull (sugarless) on the second leg of my trip. Yeah, that was my weekend. Bored yet? Still reading? This week will be better. I'm enrolling in a class for something to do. I wanted to take a Calculus class (yes, I'm a dork), but can't find one that is in the evenings. Right now, I'm either going to take Spanish, Basic House Wiring, Surveying (weekends), or Architectural Rendering. Flexing my mental muscle will be good for me. At least it's something to do.
Oh we've got big trouble. Right here in River City...
I made an impromptu trip home this weekend. I packed and fled my home in 12 minutes, and this included two trips downstairs to get all my stuff into the car. I even remembered my golf shoes. Didn't make it home with socks or a contact lens case, but one can argue that the best road trips start with "I left my house in 12 minutes."
So why does one leave their house in 12 minutes, spur of the moment. Officially: I was fleeing from the mob. Unofficially: I got Peoria'd out. I'm not sure I like it up here anymore and these days, it doesn't take much to send me running for the city limits with quivering lip. Being let down by yet another person yet again sent me road tripping. Having my priorities out of whack sent me home yet again. My obliterated self esteem sent me packing, yet again.
Driving is a great way to clear the mind and devise plans. That doesn't work as well when you spend part of your trip yelling into a cell phone about how you'd almost rather be in Missouri and contemplating driving off a bridge. But then, somewhere past Springfield, I remembered that I had driven over my last bridge for the trip, so living another day was the only viable option. And then I sent text messages. I find myself sending to usual suspects and am begining to wonder if these lifetime updates aren't so much updates as requests to be rescued. I always thought that I was the hero of my own story but at the end of it all, maybe I'm just a girl in need of rescue. So if you're reading this, please come rescue me and we'll run off someplace sunny and not Peoria and live happily ever after...or until you get bored with me and cast me aside. Either way, I'm sure it'll be fun while it lasted. Yeah, rescue...I rest my case.
Mostly, I debated getting a haircut. The layers are out of control. Funny thing is, whenever I threaten to bob my hair, it does something adorable. My hair is like that worthless dog that pees on the rug repeatedly and when threatened with euthanization, thwarts a burglar. It lives another day.
Home was good and though I tried to put on a brave face, I ended up bursting into tears upon seeing my parents and crawled into bed with mom and spent the evening crying myself to sleep long after mom fell asleep and started snoring (which is okay because I snore too). Sometime in the night, I went downstairs and checked my email and started to blog about my satisfaction with being a constant option and after thought, but I navigated away from the page and lost my post. See, even the internet doesn't want to hear me whine and bitch. I took it as a cosmic sign to quit being such a little bitch and went back to bed.
Saturday morning was good - went to the grocery store and fruit market and hung out with Grandpa for a bit. Couldn't really understand what he was saying, but we had a good visit anyway. Found out that my uncle has been at Barnes Hospital for 3 weeks with the diabetes but he'll be coming home soon and no longer works and will be spending lots of time with his brand new grandbaby, born a few days ago at a healthy 7-11! After our visit, we all went home, cooked lunch and had several stiff drinks. Actually, we had Light Corona with lime, but to me and my reduced caloric intake (minus 20 lbs in 7 weeks), A beer is a lot of alcohol. Then I fell asleep in the chair watching a Rambo movie. Woke up, grilled out, took food up to Grandpa, who was more coherent than in the morning, and went back home. End of Saturday.
Today...steak and eggs for breakfast. Talked to Mom about what to do with the rest of my life the whole way back up to Springfield and then stopped in Lincoln for gas and Red Bull (sugarless) on the second leg of my trip. Yeah, that was my weekend. Bored yet? Still reading? This week will be better. I'm enrolling in a class for something to do. I wanted to take a Calculus class (yes, I'm a dork), but can't find one that is in the evenings. Right now, I'm either going to take Spanish, Basic House Wiring, Surveying (weekends), or Architectural Rendering. Flexing my mental muscle will be good for me. At least it's something to do.
Oh we've got big trouble. Right here in River City...
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